Once upon a time,the world was ruled by the Romans (also known by some as The Foot). Then Jesus was born and his mother hated him very much, partly because he was a mistake and also a mutant. In a way, he had a lot in common with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Like the Ninja Turtles, Jesus would eventually go on to defeat Satan (Shredder). Some theologians argue that Jesus used sais, while other suggest he was more of a bo staff kind of guy. Personally, I think he used katanas, because he was badass like that, and nun-chucks just suck.

Jesus was a cool guy because he inadvertently caused Judas to kill himself, because Judas couldn't live with the fact that he kissed a dude. People weren't very accepting of homosexuality back then, and they still aren't today. I think Jesus would be fine with gay marriage because he let Judas kiss him, even though he knew it would get him killed. But he didn't die, for Jesus knew the cheat code to turn God-mode on. I think Jesus would have been very good at Black & White, because his father taught him everything he knew, like how to make stuff, which is why Jesus became a carpenter, and how to flood the world, even though Jesus only wet himself a little when he died.

Jesus wanted his life story to be recorded so that his wizardry would be remembered forever and people would have lots of wars over who was the most powerful sorcerer, but he didn't want to write himself so he had Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John do it. Others tried to write about him, but Jesus threw their work away. If I were Jesus, I would have asked them to make it a little more clear that Boo Berry is the greatest cereal of all time and anyone who disagrees is a heretic. In summation, I think that Jesus is delicious but his blood-alcohol level is questionable.

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